One of the best means I know for figuring out what matters most to you is using the tool of resonance.
Resonance is a sense of okayness, warmth, alignment, open-heartedness. When, for a moment, you feel you can settle into yourself, just as you are. Often prompted by a hug or cuddle, a glimpse out a window, a kind word offered, a flow state tapped into. When the worries settle, the voices quiet, and you feel — even fleetingly — whole and well and true.
Resonance is when something just feels right.
The best way to find it is to look for it. Your body will be able to explain it to you better than any words I’m able to use could.
What gives you a sense of resonance? I don’t mean this as an inquiry but as something to explore with an active, regular, specific practice.
Here is the practice: At night, after you turn off the light and before you go to sleep, lie on your back with a hand on your belly and a hand on your heart. Close your eyes. Review your day in your mind. You might go in order, from morning to evening, or just allow different moments to bubble up in no particular order. The idea is less exhaustive review and more gentle scan. As you recall things you did, notice how each moment that arises feels, physically. You are looking for three parts of your day that felt good — three resonant moments.
Over time, this practice reveals patterns and surprises. Some things we do with our days are reliably resonant. Some things we do that we expect to make us feel good actually don’t do much at all. By paying attention to resonant moments, on a daily basis, you develop a new means to assess what you value most in life.
As a bonus, this practice also rewires your brain — teaching it an alternative to its evolutionary negativity bias, training it to notice the positive. (Plenty of neuroscientific research on this, if that’s useful to you.) It also forms the first part of the gratitude & forgiveness practice I often recommend, and is a good place to start before taking that on.